James Murray - Falling Backwards (2018)

When I was a child I would fall backwards, literally. If I felt life unfair or hadn't control of my world, instead of losing my temper I'd go still, silent, bolt upright, close my eyes and just let go. At home, in public, wherever, it didn't matter. Always backwards, vertical then inevitably, violently, not. After a few of these episodes the people in my life learnt to see the signs and usually someone would be there to catch me in time.

Recent scans investigating tinnitus discovered an infarct in the back of my brain. The cognitive effects of this damage are unclear, best guess as to cause is historic trauma. I'd all but forgotten those self-destructive childhood descents, but this surprise transported me back at once to those earliest, strongest feelings, to the bitter intensity of that which first mattered most. The long free fall through darkness, the outright surrender of the will, and the delicious anticipation of impact. It's strange isn't it, the things we do to cope.